The Subtle Art of Getting Dumped (kind of like being hit with a tire iron from behind the head)

What if getting dumped was as elaborate as getting proposed to?  You got on your knees and took the person’s hand in yours and said ” (insert name) I think we should stop sleeping with each other.  I want to spend the rest of my life not sleeping with you.  How do you feel about that?  How would you like to not see each other anymore but let’s enjoy this dinner right now and part ways?”

*candles flickering in the background. and the ghost of Edith Piaf present for the debacle via record player*

Or is that just too cruel?

See I think if free dinner was involved I’d probably SAY YES ALREADY.

A Brand New Start

I haven’t posted on here in quite a while.  But not for lack of trying!  I’m going to blame half of my delinquency on the interwebs not letting me post because the interwebs and my five year old computer decided to be difficult.  I’m going to blame the rest on being out in the world and wanting to tell this invisible readership what was going on, but not being able to put it into words.  Sort of like when your stomach makes a noise when you’ve eaten something you know you shouldn’t have and now both you and your body know you’re going to be sick- see! no words necessary.

Well, friends whoever you are wherever you are much like slim shady ‘look whose back, back AGAIN.”  Here are some updates.  It’s strange to say, but for now I no longer live at home anymore.  I have stumbled and tripped out of the nest.  But, the nest is still a nice place to come back to once in a while.  ESPECIALLY for a hot shower.  I’m currently staying with some friends from college.  This translates to me living on an air mattress that’s kind of low to the ground and keeping my stuff contained to the left hand side of a living room.  Fear not, I will actually be moving into a room at the end of January/ February.  And I am of course scouting jobs…so there’s that!

It’s exciting to graduate from single air mattress to maybe a double queen air mattress inside a room and somewhere to put my college flag.  omg I am going to have a door!?  I might even have a paycheck in sight?  A year ago, I only knew there was the possibility of me moving out and getting a cool job and living somewhere that I liked.  Now it’s more real but what I miss is having a family…having a poet family..my adopted family… and also my parents.

I have been fortunate enough to be moving in with some friends from college who are really loving and caring and have literally taken me in.  I dreamed of independence for a long time.  Now, having it is scary.  As I write this, I’m want to share my life with the people I love and they’re far away from me in proximity.  I promised myself that once I moved here I would try to volunteer at the local lgbtq community center.

I’ve been feeling so nervous and out of my element.  I took the bus and got a tour of the local college. I arrived at the address, which was unmarked for safety reasons.  When  I got inside I found a bunch of women and the receptionist hanging out watching the television .  They greeted me and I told them I was the person who called earlier and wanted to volunteer.  The receptionist gave me a volunteer form and asked me why I wanted to join.  I started telling her about how I feel like there needs to be more space for queer people of color.  We’re talking and I’m just feeling really overwhelmed.  When we’re done and I get up to leave she gives e a hug and says “Don’t worry honey, you’re home now”.  This got me thinking about how I miss having a place I call home and the last few months I’ve been a wanderer.  Maybe the next few months need to be spent on me, getting to know myself better and carving out a spot for myself.

I miss my family. Maybe I’ve said that before but I’ll say it again.  Especially my adopted family.  I don’t want them to forget about me while I’m out here.

My roommate said she’s been to a few different book stores here and I think that could be a fun adventure.  Thanks for listening friends.  I’ll be back with suggestions for places to grab a good book that don’t involve amazon.  Amazon is great! But sometimes you just need to go on an adventure to get your next read.

Monkey Problems

This week I’ve been feeling sorry for myself.  Finding reasons to feel bad is not something I have to really go fishing for.  Lately, I’ve just been feeling out of tune.  I’d like to blame it on the weather.  I’d like to blame it on my night job or the way the light came in this morning.  Just to act like an old snapping turtle making faces and walking too slowly biting when there’s nothing to stick my neck out about.  Getting upset about small things, missing an important package that’s supposed to show up at the end of the month and wondering if I ever take my life in my hands to forget myself in someone elses arms.  Trying to resign to the fact that I’m human and I need other people and my friends want to be there for me….and I should just let them.

And as I was silently judging myself and being an Oscar the grouch prodigy before giving my dad a ride to work he told me something that made me chuckle and tuck my problems in a filing cabinet somewhere away.

Dad: Do you know how here we have gangs?

(Then I thought oh lord here comes some more depressing talk)

Me: uh, yeah?

Dad: Well in India now there are Monkey gangs. And right now they’re been terrorizing people.  It’s very bad.  They go into your homes and steal your things.  They open your fridge and take your food.  People are starting to leave poisonous bananas.  But Monkeys have a great sense of smell and they tell all their little gang friends not to eat the bananas. And you know how your grandma has a black faced lemur? (my grandmother actually has a pet lemur named ‘Rani’ or Princess that wards off monkeys at her house).  Well, everyone is getting lemurs now because they slap monkeys with their hands and their teeth are longer and they slap them with their long tails.

What you have to understand, reader, is that this conversation is actually pretty serious.  I remember going to India as a kid and having to be weary of monkeys biting you or chasing you.  They’ve become rather fearless since the 60s when my dad explains a lemur would stand on the street and stick his palm out at you for one rupee.  You’d give him a rupee and he’d go to a peanut stand and give it to the owner who would feed him peanuts.  “Those days are gone”, says dad.

While we feel sorry for ourselves about gang violence virally spreading through our children’s veins in America just think there’s a whole monkey epidemic in another country.  There’s an army rising, there’s a crew coming to eat your fridge out literally.

Can you imagine I felt bad for myself?

(By the way please not hints of sarcasm in this post.  Also the Monkey issues of India I was not making up super real tho!)

 

Spain Photos!

Since I have so many photos from Spain I’ve decided to post them intermittently and not all at once! So here’s the first.

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This is a photograph from our first day in Madrid!  We went to a lovely dessert place where we had macaroons, mini sweets, and coffee!  Just think of the lovely walking streets of Spain and walking into a lovely coffee house where people are reading a book, friends are chatting, the daylight shines in, and gosh does it smell great.

My abusive relationship with Pizza ends now

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This weekend my parents went away.  So i decided to go all out like a boss.  I got a whole pizza from my favorite pizza joint, I went on a date, I did some things I haven’t done in a while, and then I had a giant chain smoking breakdown in my dad’s 1970s themed basement.  I blame pizza.  I know I made mistakes in the relationship and I did some things I can’t take back.  Things like eating a whole large pizza by myself and drinking a whole bottle of chocolate rouge by myself.  That was a not so chill move.  I’ve gotten to thinking though, that the things we put into our bodies have something to do with the way we act and the way we act/ react has a great deal to do with what we eat.

I had a friend in college who had a bread addiction and so she tried very hard to refrain from eating it.  Recently, one of my childhood friends was telling me she has been cutting our added sugars in her life and when she ate sugar/ when she stopped eating it she got headaches.  I ask myself and you (my reader) is that the kind of relationship you want to have with food?

I mean this sounds bad, but when I used to hear people were allergic to things like gluetin (spelling?) I would think they were just trying to say they wanted to avoid it/ that they had a disguised eating disorder/ and I didn’t understand this.  What I’ve come to realize is: omg! what a terrible judgement/ assumption I made.  Let me give you a remote example though.  If you’re cool and you watch The Mindy Show, you’ll find there’s an episode where the holistic doctor’s office and Mindy’s office run a race.  Danny, one of the OBGYN doctors, has a pain in his leg and the nurse from his practice tells him that he  has an emotional pain/ injury.  I’m starting to think those sorts of feelings definitely apply to foods we eat.  When I eat clean I feel better.  When I drink tea even if I just had the shittiest day on earth I feel so much better.  Do I love pizza? I love pizza so much.  I have a pizza chant that goes like: pizza. pizza. pizzzaaaa zaaaaaaaaa.  That’s dedication, ok?

Probably I should use common sense and only eat pizza in moderation.  But if I can’t eat it in moderation (because I literally can’t control myself) , I think I need to just not eat it at all for a while.  Take a break.  Eating your feelings is real ok guys?  I think the more real lesson I learned from eating pizza, running a mile, and then trying not to throw up is –

1.) don’t do that.

2.) I can’t eat pizza the way I used to.

3.) OH LOLOL I am lonely and I can’t fill that space with Pizza

4.) Pizza was the victim of me.

5.) I’m not really sure if this post is about pizza anymore.

6.) I’m very gay right now.

7.) I’m very sad right now.

8.) I wish I could apologize to my body and the pizza.

9.) abusing pizza is not the answer to your problems. no matter what

10.)  I hope if you take anything from this post it is to eat things that make you feel good.  And those things don’t necessarily have to be commercially or publicly deemed “healthy” but just to take care of yourself in that regard because no one else can do that for you.  Also, when I talk about food and absorbing things I don’t just mean food I mean relationships with people too.

Finally, I promise I will post some photos from my trip soon.  Once I stop being lazy.

xoxo, your pal Skinnings.

Old Poetry

In the suburbs

Flies halo lazily around trash cans

Headlights find themselves

dispassionately caught in deer

Coytoe scoop up house cats

swift as eagles in the desert

 

Standing on cobble stone pathways

Beneath stern brick face houses

Desperate children pass out

“missing” flyers

 

Here people fuck with courtesy

Doors shut tight after 9 pm
for only the walls to hear

 

At miidnight teenagers meet

in the neighborhood soccer field

to breathe conspiracy and smoke bad weed

beneath the fields of sky

 

Every night,

like a fish whisked out of water

I turn my pillow over

and over

to find the other side.